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January 6th, 2010
As much as I love typing the truth out each week, I have to admit, I don’t want to be typing. LOL For the past few days I have had a cough that is so bad that I ended up pulling a muscle in my side. Now, each time I cough my side hurts. I don’t know which is worse a this point, the congested head, the irritated throat, or the pulled muscle. Personally, I am thinking the congested head, words can’t express how much I hate it when I can’t breathe properly.
Anyway, enough about that. Life is a bitch and I will get over it. We all get sick once in a while, there is no reason for me to sit here and whine about it. Wahhhh Wahhhh I don’t feel good. LMFAO
I hope you had a happy and safe New Years celebration. I know that I for one did. I can’t wait until the Inferno is officially open for business. The place was fucking huge. It is going to be one helluva hangout once it is completely ready. Rumor has it that later this year they are going to try to have Saliva and Theory of a Dead Man playing in the club. I know that if either of those bands are in Parkersburg, especially at the Inferno I will be there. I already talked the owner of the place into a couple back stage passes. LOL None the less, I definitely brought the new year in with a bang surrounded by great friends and in a way family.
For the new year, I also had just about all of the tattoos on my left arm touched up and redone. I am extremely happy with the way they turned out. Of course they are still in the healing stage, but they look great! A lot brighter and bolder than ever before. Randall did a great job as always. Just so you know if you have a little extra Christmas money if you go to Ashen 18 Tattoos tell them that I sent you for one helluva deal.
We also got a good start on drawing up my next tattoo. I know that I mentioned it briefly, but I am excited about this particular tattoo so I felt the need to mention it again. We have all of the butterfly drawn out, we just needed to make a few minor changes to the way it is decorated and add a banner and then it is ready to be put on. I’m not 100% sure where we are putting my butterfly, but I am thinking that it may go on my left arm.
My butterfly is a much needed tattoo with a lot of thought and meaning behind it. After a decade of carrying a cross on my shoulders. I am going to attempt to lay down my cross and try to walk away. I highly doubt that I am going to find the closure that I am looking for with my butterfly, but I do know that it is a step in the right direction. I am finally trying to express the way I feel about a period in my life that I have been remorseful about ever since 2001.
You know what, I am going to say fuck it and tell you the design and the meaning behind the butterfly. There was once a very beautiful woman in my life, my first love if you will. Jamie was a very wonderful woman who just so happened to be the first person in my life to support my decision of following my dreams. She is by no means is the only person, but she was the first. I guess we never really get over our first.
Either way, her and I had a great relationship until we made the choice for me to go to TX to train with Jake. I was 18 or 19 years old and it was my first time away from home. Jake had showed me a world that I didn’t know even existed. LOL Well, as it turned out I enjoyed that world entirely too much. I made all the wrong choices, I am definitely responsible for each and everything that happened. None the less, by the time Jamie made it out to TX with me, I had all ready started drinking, doing drugs, and sleeping with just about every chick I met. It sure was a lot of fun, but in the end it cost me a great relationship with a great woman.
It truly is one helluva a feeling to wake up to an empty home. I remember that morning well. It was an afternoon that I realized that I was alone and that she wasn’t coming back. Once I realized what was going on I walked all over town in 100 degree weather trying to find Jamie. I walked to the point that I collapsed in front of a burger joint from heat exhaustion and dehydration. I spent a day in the hospital being pumped full of fluids. I was told that Jamie did indeed stop by the hospital to see if I was ok, but I don’t know.
Being a beaten man I jumped on a Grey Hound back to my home town in PA. It has been almost a decade and I have not once had the opportunity to give her the thank-you and the apology that she deserves. I hope that one day I will have the chance to tell Jamie everything that I have been wanting to say all of these years. It isn’t just knowing that because of my choices that I cost myself my first love, I also cost myself the first person to support and push me to chase after my dreams. If that isn’t bad enough, I have heard from several different people that because of the things that I did and the path that I introduced her to, she at one point also made some very bad choices. I, of course, don’t know if it is true or not, but if it is I feel responsible. Had I not shown her the path into darkness Jamie never would have walked down the path.
Now that I have given you a bit of a back story, oh and no, that isn’t the entire story, just enough for you to get the point. Anyway, the butterfly is extremely symbolic in a lot of ways. Here is the general design, the wings are going to be bright and colorful, there are stars on both wings and a rose on each wing. The body of the butterfly is going to be a crying skull. That is the general design. There are a few more details, but they are hidden. LOL
Now, I am going to explain the meanings behind everything. Butterflies were something that Jamie loved a lot, hence the butterfly as a whole. The stars on the wings represent the fact that Jamie was the first to encourage me into becoming the superstar that I am today and continue to further be with each and every passing day. The roses have a couple meanings. First the rose was her favorite flower. Secondly, they are going to be purple and black, which not only was Jamie’s favorite color of rose, but also the colors that we had choose for our wedding. The crying skull for the body represents the remorse that I will feel forever for the things that I had said and done in the past. I hurt someone that I cared about greatly and someone that will forever have a place in my heart.
If that isn’t enough already, the tattoo also represents the transformation from my past into my future. Like I said, I don’t know if by expressing my feelings I am going to get the closure that I am looking for, in fact I doubt that it will. I think the only thing that will ever give me the closure that I am looking for, and in some ways need, will be actually getting the chance to sit down and talk to Jamie. Either way, there are some things that I know this tattoo will in fact do. One, it will forever represent and display that even as a superstar I have feelings, I have made mistakes, and I will be remorseful for those mistakes for the rest of my life. Secondly, my butterfly will be a permanent and constant reminder of the past so that I don’t make the same choices again.
As I said though, Jamie isn’t the only one to help me along the road to stardom, just the first. I am eternally grateful to everyone that has helped and continues to help me along the way.
Until next time,
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