As I sit here and type this my arm hurts like hell. I finally decided to express myself about a chapter in my life that not too many people know of. For the first time ever I sat in tears as I was getting a tattoo. I don’t know if I should call it a tribute to Jamie, or if it is the beginning of the final chapter between her and I. I guess it is in all actuality and honesty both things. For those of you that know the story I’m sure you are thinking that the final chapter ended in 2001. To a point you are right, the divorce was final in December, 2001.
Even though, that is when the divorce was over and technically the last time I spoke with or saw Jamie was in July of 2001; the final chapter for me has just begun. It may have been over for her nine years ago, but the end has just now finally begun for me.
In my opinion and the way I remember things, I made a lot of mistakes. I deserved to have Jamie leave for the things that I was doing at the time. Even though, it is no excuse, I was a young stupid kid. None the less, looking back, I fully realize and understand why Jamie left me. As some have told me when I talk about Jamie my eyes light up and I describe her as a saint, and in my eyes she is a saint. Even though I understand why she left, I don’t think that it was fair the way she left.
There were no “goodbyes”, there was no “here is why I’m leaving”, or a “maybe we can work through this”. There was nothing. I woke up to a cold and empty apartment. Not even so much as a note saying goodbye. I know that she was right for leaving, I fucked up a lot. I hurt Jamie in more ways than I care to think about or discuss. No matter how great of a woman Jamie was, it was extremely unfair and wrong of her to leave the way she did.
I don’t know why she didn’t take five minutes to say goodbye, I truly don’t. I wish that she would have though, because I believe that one of the main reasons I bare this cross is because there was no closure. Even though she is gone, she never said goodbye and I have clung on to that fact for almost a decade now. Recently, my best friend in the whole world explained a very logical reason why Jamie might not have said goodbye.
It could have been because Jamie loved me too much to say goodbye. Perhaps she knew that she had to get out of a situation that was painful to her. She obviously knew that it was the right thing and the smart thing to do, but maybe just maybe she truly did love me too much at the time to bring herself to say goodbye.
Obviously, my friend was purely speculating and doesn’t know for sure, but she did give me her point of view and well, I think a woman’s point of view on the subject makes sense. None the less, this is a chapter in my life that one way or another I need to close and hopefully I can close this chapter soon. Realistically, all I want is the closure that I wasn’t given. I want to be able to sit down with Jamie, someday, to tell her that I am thankful for everything she has done, apologize for everything that I have done and just finally have closure.
Either way, I believe that my new tattoo is the first step in gaining my closure. I have finally been able to talk about and express my feelings. The tattoo came out beautifully. It is extremely bright and colorful. Randall did another excellent job. If you are even considering a tattoo, Ashen 18 is by far the place to go. I can’t even begin to express how much I appreciate my butterfly. It is absolutely beautiful.
The second step in finally having closure is to try and find a way to talk to Jamie. After some poking and prodding from my best friend, I may have found that way. I searched high and low until I found an address that may be Jamie’s. I don’t know if it is or not, but I do know that I wrote a letter and it has been sent to the addresses that I found. Technically, there is two different addresses. God only knows if either of them is the right address and only god knows if Jamie will ever get the letter, but if she does I hope that she will contact me and let me know.
Either way enough about my past for now, lets move on to my future. Lately, there have been people trashing me and telling me that I have no chance in hell of making it to the big time. I would just like to say to those people, go fuck yourself. I believe in myself, my family believes in me, my friends believe in me, and most importantly my fans believe in me.
I am headed to Nashville, TN in February to talk to TNA. Now, that does not in any way guarantee that I will be getting a job working for them, but it is one helluva good starting point. I am ready, it is time to move forward to the next level. I do not know what is going to happen at my meeting with TNA, but I give you my word that I will keep everyone updated. I may even use my twitter account for a change and keep everyone updated minute by minute.
I am also headed back to Parkersburg for the MWA on January 28th and then to Phelps, NY for Ultimate Wrestling on January 30th. MWA has a great crowd in Parkersburg and I always enjoy wrestling there. I believe I will be facing Jock Sampson once again, he’s going to get his ass beat after he grabbed my Princess Jezabel, that I can assure you! Make sure you come out to the Parkersburg City Park Pavilion to see all the action, bell time is 7:00pm.
Then, it’s off to UW in Phelps, NY for my first show there. I am incredibly excited to get up there and meet some new people. Their show starts at 7:00pm as well, and it’s a benefit show for the Phelps Community Center. Make sure you check out the show and help with a worthy cause!!
Until next time,
